Cherry Boy
by Honeymoon Edward
Summary: When Edward's co-workers discover that he's a virgin, they make it their mission to help him overcome his cherry boy status. ExB This is my entry for the Twilight Goes to Hollywood Contest. It won 1st place public vote, beegurl13's pick, and Archy12's pick.


**This is my entry for the Twilight Goes to Hollywood Contest. It won 1st place public vote, beegurl13's pick, and Archy12's pick.**

 **Thank you to everyone who read, reviewed, and voted during the contest.**

 **A special shout out to K, Fran, Cheryl, Diane, and Gail for helping with the final touches. Also to Kay and Jamie for giving me the push to enter.**

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 **\- DISCLAIMER: This story is based on the movie, 40-Year-Old Virgin and crossed with characters from the Twilight books and movies. The author does not own any publicly recognized entities herein. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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"Only four hundred and seventy-three more days left for me, suckers!" Emmett grinned as he crossed out the date on the calendar that hung in the employee lounge.

"Lucky bastard." Jasper moaned as he grabbed his thermos from the fridge. "Roughly six years, eleven months, and fourteen days left for me." He had only begun his mandated term of service two weeks prior.

All vampire citizens were required to serve the Volturi, or vampire government, for a period of seven years. During the duration of their duty, they were each given a specific job. A select few were bestowed with prestigious posts in the Volturi guard while most were assigned to commonplace positions such as accountants, cooks, or waste collectors.

"How about you, Ed? How long do you have left?" Jasper asked the third vampire who was quietly gathering his belongings from his locker.

Emmett released a loud guffaw. "Eduardo here finished back in what, 1940?"

"1927," he mumbled as he pushed his glasses up his nose. He had begun wearing the Wayfarers in the late '50s as a way to blend in with the tourists.

Jasper furrowed his brow. "Good God Almighty, son, what are you still doing here?"

Edward shrugged his shoulders. "Didn't see any reason to leave."

"Well, as soon as I hit day two thousand, five hundred and fifty-five, I'm off like a prom dress," Emmett said slapping Edward on the back. "Nothing can keep me away from getting home to my Rosie."

"Who's Rosie?" Jasper asked as they headed toward the back exit of the store. Once he set the alarm and secured the door, the three men walked out into the crisp, evening air.

"She's my girl. Saved me from a deadly grizzly attack before turning me into the fine specimen of a vamp that you see before you today. How about you? Do you have someone waiting for you back in Texas?"

"There's a chick named Maria who certainly enjoys snacking on my meat and potatoes." He wiggled his eyebrows as he gave Emmett a fist bump. "But nobody I'd consider special." Turning toward his other co-worker, he asked, "You got a woman, Ed? Or are you too busy sampling all the fine _she_ pire ass in Volterra?"

Edward finished unlocking his Vespa from the lamppost that sat adjacent to the parking lot. After standing, he raked his fingers through his unruly hair. "N-no, I'm not seeing anyone exclusively."

Jasper nudged him with his elbow. "Sounds like I've found myself a wingman. So where's the best place to score babes?"

Edward shuffled his feet. "Well, I really don't like to kiss and tell…"

"Aw, come on man, we're in the vampire capital of the world. There are plenty of cocksocks to go around. Don't tell me you're not going to help a brother out!"

Emmett stood and quietly watched the exchange. In the almost six years he had known Edward Cullen, he had never seen him speak with a female outside of the souvenir shop where they worked. He had long ago formed an opinion about his geeky co-worker's sexual preferences.

After strolling over to them, Emmett threw his arm around Jasper's shoulder. "Hey, man. I think you're barking up the wrong tree, if you get my drift."

"What's that supposed to mean?" He gave him a confused look.

"Eduardo bats for the other team."

"Ohhh." He glanced at Edward. "Hey dude, I have lots of friends who fuck guys. I'm down with that ... I mean, I'm not _down with that_ , but it's cool."

Edward's eyes popped at the turn in the conversation. Releasing a nervous chuckle, he said, "I'm n-not gay! I've had relations with lots of women."

" _Relations?"_ Emmett repeated with a smirk.

"Knock boots! Pork! I pork girls all the time!" Reaching down, he grasped his crotch to emphasize his point. "Those bitches love it when I give them my meat injection!"

Jasper's mouth dropped into the shape of an O. He stared at Emmett who looked back at him in amazement. After a moment of silence, the two burst into a fit of laughter.

Emmett gasped between his guffaws and wiped at his face even though there were no tears. "You're so full of shit. Just admit it, you're gay."

"I'm not gay!" he said with a huff. "I would tell you if I were; it's not like there's anything wrong with it."

Jasper shoved Emmett in the chest. "Yeah, why are you giving him such a hard time? Are you a homophobe or something?"

Emmett stopped laughing. "N-no, no of course not. Sorry. I was just razzing you."

Edward jutted his chin. His collar was too tight, he just wanted to get home and relax. "Fine, but I need to go. See you guys tomorrow." After checking the oil and gas levels, he grabbed his helmet and placed it on his head. Once he was sitting on his scooter, he began adjusting the mirrors.

As Jasper silently watched him, he suddenly realized what the real issue was; as a matter of fact, it was clear as day.

Looking at him, he asked, "Edward, are you... a virgin?"

 **-CB-**

The next day, Edward arrived late for work; it was the first time in his one hundred and two years as an employee at Marcus's Mementos that he was tardy.

Emmett rushed across the room to greet him. "Where in the hell have you been? You're never late; I thought maybe you changed your mind about tonight or something."

After revealing to his co-workers the previous evening that he was, in fact, a virgin, Emmett and Jasper had vowed to help him overcome his "cherry boy" status. The first step involved the three of them going out after work to a local bar.

"I'm sorry," Edward mumbled. "It took me a while to find an ensemble for tonight." He gestured to the bag clutched in his hand.

Emmett shook his head. "Ensemble? Did you grow a fucking vagina last night?"

"What do you mean?"

Emmett grabbed the sack from his grip and peeked inside. "Holy shit. And you really thought a bow tie and cardigan were the best choices?"

"Well, I wanted to look my best…"

"And what in the fuck is all over your head?"

Frowning, Edward lifted his fingers and touched a strand of his hair. "Oh, that's just gel."

"What are you two jabber-jawing about?" Jasper asked after joining them.

Instead of responding, Emmett handed him the bag of clothing. Jasper's eyes widened as he released a low whistle. "That's some highfalutin' outfit you've got there, Ed."

"Too much?" he asked rubbing his neck. He was beginning to wonder if he should just call the whole thing off and go home after work instead.

Noticing his friend's discomfort, Jasper threw an arm over his shoulder. "Nah, not at all. There's nothing wrong with wearing your trotting harness when you're trying to catch a filly."

 **-CB-**

After eight long hours of hocking snow globes, postcards, and keychains, Edward turned the sign on the front door of the shop to closed.

"Holy shit, I didn't think this day would ever end," Emmett groaned as he placed the cashbox into the safe. "That last group of tourists was annoying as fuck."

"And cheap," Jasper added, "I swear the last man I waited on squeezed his euro so tightly I thought I heard Dante cry."

"Well, let's hurry up and get this show on the road," Emmett said grabbing his duffel from his locker. "I don't know about you fine gentlemen, but I'm ready to get my drink on."

"You, me, and Toby Keith!" Jasper guffawed as he began removing his uniform.

"Who's Toby?" Edward asked, eyebrows squished together. "Is he meeting us at the bar?"

Instead of answering, Jasper continued chuckling. When he finally stopped, he said, "I swear, Ed. You're as funny as all get out."

Twenty minutes later, the three young men entered The Illuminaughty, an underground strip club that catered to the vampire community of Volterra.

"Jasper, what the fuck? Rosie's going to kill me." Emmett muttered when he realized the bar his co-worker had chosen was actually a titty joint.

"Relax, bro." He slapped him on the back. "If she ever finds out, you can tell her about Ed's predicament that's why we're here anyhow. Just sit back and have a drink."

"Yeah, I suppose that's true, and I mean, it's not like it's a sin to look, anyway." They shared a fist bump.

"Speaking of Ed," Jasper said, glancing around the room, "where did he go?"

They quickly spotted him near the doorway speaking with a woman.

"Looks like he might not need our help after all," Emmett said with a chuckle. The two made their way over to the couple.

"Hey!" Edward said, introducing his friends. "This is Victoria. Victoria, these are my co-workers, Jasper and Emmett."

"Hello, you can call me Vicky." She flashed a smile. Curling her red lips, she chomped her brilliant white teeth together, as if she longed to bite one of them.

"N-nice to meet you, Vicky," Emmett sputtered, as he noted her Adam's apple.

Jasper tipped his chin in silence before turning toward Edward, "Are you ready to get a table?"

"Well…" He rubbed a hand over his face unsure what to say.

Victoria interrupted. "Actually, I had just invited Eddie back to my place." She trailed her two-inch nails down his arms.

Emmett released an internal shudder before gently yanking Edward from her grip. "Oh, man. Don't tell me you're going to ditch us. Haven't you ever heard the term bros before hoes? Or in our case... vamps before tramps."

Edward chewed his lip, trying to decide the right thing to do. Vicky was a nice lady. When he had told her he collected minerals as a hobby, she had said she had a special set of rocks to show him back at her apartment. But then again, he had also agreed to spend the night out with Jasper and Emmett.

After a few moments, he gave Victoria a look of regret. "Sorry, but Emmett is right, I've already made plans with them. Maybe—"

Before he even had a chance to finish his thought, Victoria had stormed off in a huff.

"Aw, forget about him... I mean, her, Ed." Jasper said putting his arm around his shoulder. "There's not a pot too crooked that a lid won't fit."

"What?" Edward didn't understand half of what Jasper said.

"He means there's plenty of fish in the sea," Emmett explained.

"Why didn't he just say that?"

"We're from the South. We speak another language."

After the men got a table, a waitress approached them for their drink order.

"I'll take an O negative with a hint of bourbon," Jasper ordered.

"I'll have a daiquiri made with A positive, no rum," Edward said.

" _A virgin_?" She clarified.

"H-how can you tell?" Edward said, pulling at the hem of his sweater.

Emmett smacked him on the side of the head. "She's not talking about you, doofus. She meant your drink."

"Oh. Yes, please."

After rolling her eyes, she turned to Emmett and waited for his request.

"AB positive with two fingers of Jack." Right as she began to walk away, he added, "Maybe you better make that a double."

"Sure." Just as she started toward the bar, she paused and turned back toward Emmett. "Hey, you look so familiar. Do we know each other?"

"No... no. I've never been here before," Emmett sputtered. "I have a girlfriend back home."

She continued to scrutinize him for a few more seconds until, finally, it dawned on her. "Now I remember! You're Emmett McCarty! I attended your funeral!"

Emmett frowned, an expression of confusion covered his face.

"It's me! Angela Weber!"

He recognized her and a smile quickly formed. She was from his hometown of Gatlinburg, Tennessee. Astonished, he stood and gave her a tight hug. "Angie Sue Weber! I haven't seen you since you were—what? Eleven, twelve? What in the hell are you doing here?"

"Same as you I suppose," she shrugged. "Just serving my time." Gesturing to the tray she was holding, she added, "Literally."

"How long have you been in Volterra?" he asked. "When were you changed?"

"I've only been here for six months. Some bloodsucking leech attacked me while I was backpacking in France."

"That sucks," Emmett said, shaking his head.

"He sure did," she teased. "How about you? The entire town was devastated when the captain of the football team died in that fiery car wreck ten years ago. What really happened?"

He explained the bear attack, and how Rosie had saved him by turning him into a vampire.

"So you faked your death?"

"Yeah, Rosie did it while I was going through my transformation. She thought it would be easier for my family. You know, give them closure."

"Well, your funeral was really nice. The marching band played that song they used to do at half-time..."

" _Another One Bites the Dust_?"

"Yeah, that was it!" She patted him gently on the back. "And at least seven of the cheerleaders left their bras at your gravesite. So what do you do? Anything exciting?"

"Not exactly, we all work over at the souvenir shop."

"Oh."

"Yep," Jasper joined the conversation, "I still can't believe I've been assigned to schlep overpriced trinkets for seven years. I thought I would be doing something badass like training newborn armies."

"Didn't we all," Angela muttered as she pointed to her breasts. "Unfortunately for me, as soon as they got a load of these puppies, I was sent directly over here. I dance four nights a week and wait tables the other three. But I guess we can't all be born with a badass power like that Jane chick on the Volturi Guard."

"Hey now, don't sell yourself short. There's nothing wrong with having an amazing set of knockers. And as for Jane, she might have that torment afflicting stare, but she's also flatter than a fritter."

"Thanks, let me go grab your drinks for you before I get in trouble."

A few minutes later, she returned with their beverages. "Hey Ang, maybe you can help us. We're trying to find our pal here some female companionship. Do you know any nice girls?"

She lifted an eyebrow. "How nice are you talking about, Emmett?"

"Nice and _easy_." He stressed the easy part.

Angela looked over at Edward who appeared oblivious to the conversation. He was sipping his cocktail through an umbrella straw watching the crowd. Someone immediately came to mind. "I'll be right back," she said before walking toward the bar.

A few seconds later, she appeared with another woman. "This is Jessica Stanley." Jessica had frizzy blonde hair and a nondescript face. She wore a flimsy white blouse with a lacy black bra clearly visible through the fabric. Her pants were stretched to their limit across her hips and thighs.

"Howdy, Darlin'. Would you care to join us?" Jasper stood and pulled out the chair next to Edward.

Jessica giggled. "Sure, thanks."

"I better get back to work," Angela said before retreating to the bar.

"I like your accent," Jessica said turning toward Jasper. "It's sexy. Where are you from?"

Jasper could tell the chick was digging him. He needed to nip it in the bud. "Texas, my girl still lives there."

Her lips formed a pout. "Oh. You're married?"

"Nah, not married, but seeing someone. So is Emmett." He gestured toward him with his thumb. "Ed, however, happens to be single."

She turned and looked at the quiet man who sat next to her. Quite honestly, she hadn't even noticed him until then. He was older than the other two, but he was cute in a nerdy sort of way.

"Hey, Ed," she leaned close to his ear. "Would you like to get a drink?"

After slurping the last drop of his daiquiri, he licked his lips and turned toward the girl who was sitting next to him. He attempted to keep his gaze from straying to her cleavage which was spilling from her low cut top. "Sure, let me get the waitress." He began to signal Angela over to their table.

Jessica placed her hand on his thigh. "No, I meant at my place." Her fingers slowly inched up his leg until her palm landed on his cock.

Edward's eyes bulged.

" _Sookie Stackhouse_!" he exclaimed when she gave his dick a hard squeeze.

"Are you okay, Eduardo?" Emmett asked setting his cell on the table. He had been texting Rosie.

"I-I'm…" He was unable to form a complete sentence. Jessica had begun stroking his expanding crotch.

She continued as she turned to Jasper and Emmett and said, "I just invited Edward back to my place for a drink. You guys don't mind, right?"

Emmett's grin reached from ear to ear. His friend was about to get laid. "Of course not, we were about to head home anyhow."

"Great!" She stood and pulled a stupefied Edward behind her.

"I do believe our job is over," Emmett exclaimed as he and Jasper watched the two exit the club.

"I don't know," Jasper said. "She might eat him alive. Her pants were so tight, I could see her religion."

 **-CB-**

When Edward and Jessica got outside, he went directly to his Vespa. "I only have one helmet. You can wear it."

"Is this what you drive?" She eyed the motorbike before giggling.

"Yeah." He ran his hand through his hair.

"Have you ever had sex on it?" She purred into his ear.

"Sex on my Vespa?" He gulped. "Um, no."

"Do you want to practice the art of _kama scooter_ , Edwin? Doesn't that sound fun?"

"My name's Edward, and no, that sounds dangerous."

"Your loss." She shrugged. "Well, let's get back to my place." After telling him the address, she climbed behind him, and they began on their way. As they traveled down the road, her hands roamed all over his body. When her fingers landed on his nipples, she twisted them as hard as she could before she leaned over and sank her teeth into his shoulder.

Edward yelped before swerving sharply to the right and crashing into a mailbox on the side of the street.

The two vampires lay on the ground dazed, but unharmed. Edward's scooter, however, was scattered across the sidewalk in a plethora of damaged parts.

"What in the hell is wrong with you?" Jessica shouted as she stood and wiped dirt from her clothing.

" _Me_? You're the one who caused us to wreck. Don't you know anything about safe motor vehicle operation?"

Jessica stared at him with her mouth agape. "Are you for real?" Opening her bag, she dug around searching for her phone. When she found it, she discovered it was smashed. "Great!"

After grabbing her jacket from the ground, she turned and began walking down the sidewalk.

"Hey! Where are you going?" Edward called.

"Home!"

"What about my Vespa? I need to phone someone to take it to a garage."

"That's your problem, not mine!"

 **-CB-**

As soon as Edward entered work the following morning, Emmett met him at the door.

"So how did it go last night? Did you party on the Posturepedic?"

Forced to take a taxi due to the state of his scooter, Edward remained frazzled by his disrupted routine. After scratching his head, he replied, "Huh?"

" _Jessica_ ," Emmett stressed the woman's name while nudging him with his elbow. "Did you two do the nasty? Bump uglies?"

"Oh, no." Not wanting to tell his co-workers about the disastrous turn in events after they left the bar, he didn't give any additional details.

"Really? But she seemed so eager… what happened?"

Before Edward had a chance to respond the bell above the shop door rang, signaling a new customer. He rushed over to assist the lone patron. "Hi, can I help you?"

"Um ... hey." She smiled shyly at him before biting her lip. "You're Edward Cullen, aren't you?"

Edward's eyes widened in surprise. He wasn't used to people knowing his name - even Jasper and Emmett called him by the wrong moniker. "Yeah, I am. How did you know?"

"Sorry, I didn't mean to sound like a stalker. Occupational hazard." She laughed nervously, pointing at her head. "I'm Bella Swan, the town librarian. I have all of Volterra's Public Library cardholders filed away in here. No pun intended." She laughed again.

"I see." He nodded in understanding.

"Anyway, I just wanted to pick up a few postcards to send to my family back home."

He took her to a display of stationery items.

"Your family?" Edward was confused. Vampires weren't allowed to keep in contact with their human family after being turned.

Bella placed her palm against her forehead before releasing a soft snort. "Oh, that didn't come out correctly. My coven... they're like my family. I don't think I'll ever get this vampire thing down, you know? All the terminology and such."

His brow furrowed. He had found it rather easy himself to remember all the rules and regulations. He didn't really understand what was so difficult. "I'm sorry—"

She placed her fingers lightly on his forearm and interrupted him. "Maybe it's my age? I'm older than the average _she_ pire…"

She continued talking, but Edward was unsure of what she was saying. His mind was too focused on the sensation her touch had caused. His entire arm felt like it had been set ablaze as soon as her skin met his.

She quickly chose two cards and looked at him. "Well, I've kept you from your work long enough. Thank you for helping me. I'll go ahead and pay for these and be on my way."

Panic crashed through him at the thought of not seeing her again. "Y-you're not keeping me."

Bella giggled. "You are too kind, but I really need to get to work myself."

While he rang her up, Bella dug through her bag and pulled out one of her business cards. After grabbing a pen and jotting down something on the back, she handed it to him.

"It was really nice talking with you today. Here's my number. Call me if you would like to get together and have a cup of blooduccino."

"S-sure."

As he watched her exit the store, a grin broke out on his face.

Before he had a chance to tuck Bella's card into his pocket, however, he felt it being ripped out of his grasp.

"Hey!"

"Dude, I'm doing you a favor," Emmett said as he crumpled the paper in his fist and threw it into the trash bin.

"But, I liked her."

"Liked her? She was old enough to be someone's grandmother."

"No, she wasn't—" He began to argue before Jasper interrupted.

"Son, she was definitely crossing memaw territory."

"She can't be any older than I am." Edward huffed as he bent and retrieved the card from the wastebasket.

"How old are you exactly?" Emmett asked before taking a sip of warm O negative from his mug.

"One-hundred and seven in vampire years and forty in human years."

Emmett coughed before spitting blood all over Edward's face. "Shit! I'm sorry." He grabbed a rag from the counter and began wiping it off. "I can't believe you're that old and a virgin."

Frustrated, Edward took the cloth from him and cleaned himself up.

"Ed, if you like this chick, that's fine," Jasper explained. "But you really should get some experience with a few other girls before getting serious with someone."

"But why would I want to do that if I really like Bella?"

"What Jasper is trying to say is you need to have sex with a few other girls before you have sex with someone you really dig. You will be so horrible at it at first that you don't want to lose the person you care about because they think you're so fucking lame."

"Oh." When he thought about it for a couple of minutes, it made complete sense. He didn't want to lose Bella because he was a dud in the sack.

"It also wouldn't hurt for you to practice talking to girls as well. You barely spoke two words to Jessica last night. Emmett and I can give you some pointers on what to say to the ladies."

"You can?"

"Sure, with our help, you'll have all the _she_ pires at your mercy."

 **-CB-**

Later that afternoon, Jasper and Edward were returning to the store after loading two cases of shot glasses into the trunk of a customer's vehicle.

As they walked along the sidewalk to return to the shop, Jasper suddenly stopped before jutting his chin toward a woman who was bent over in front of the town diner.

Edward turned to see what he was looking at.

"Get a load of that ass." He licked his lips.

Edward hummed in agreement. "Yes, that is one nice derriere, but I still think Bella—"

Jasper interrupted him. "Come on, Ed. We discussed this. You need to do your homework before taking the final exam. Now, go over there and talk to her."

He toyed with the buttons on his shirt as he observed the woman use a soapy rag to clean the outside of the bakery window. "I guess it can't hurt to have a conversation."

"Remember to use some of those lines we rehearsed earlier," Jasper said.

After crossing the brick-paved street, Edward slowly approached her.

Throwing the wet cloth into the bucket beside her feet, the woman regarded him. "Can I help you with something?"

"Hello, I'm Edward Cullen." He offered his hand.

"Oh, I know who you are," she muttered with an arched eyebrow. "Alice Brandon."

When she placed her hand in his, Edward waited to see if he would feel a similar sensation to the one he had felt when Bella had touched him, but he felt nothing.

"Well, are you going to stand there gawking at our fingers all day, or are we going to go inside so you can practice talking with me?"

"H-how did you know?"

"I just know things," she answered, pursing her lips. Pointing across the street where Jasper stood not so discreetly watching them, she added, "like how Assper over there is going to regret not coming over here himself."

"Huh? Who?"

"Nevermind." She shook her head. "Come on, let's see if I can undo some of the damage those two buffoons you work with have already done."

Alice and Edward entered the quaint, 50s style diner. "Heidi, I'm taking my break," she said to a young brunette who was serving coffee behind a counter.

After sitting in a corner booth, she stared at Edward quietly as she tapped the tabletop. He squirmed under her scrutiny. There was something unsettling about her.

"Okay," she finally announced. "Let's pretend we're at a bar, and you're interested. What would you say if you approached me?"

"Um…" He rubbed the back of his neck. Truth be told, he more than likely wouldn't be at a bar and if he were, he wouldn't dare approach a girl. Screwing his eyes shut, he recalled some lines Jasper and Emmett had taught him earlier that afternoon. "Oh, I got it! Hey baby, you're so sexy it makes me want to whip something out, and it's not a crucifix."

Alice wrinkled her nose in disgust. " _Seriously_?"

"How about… is that bloodlust I'm sensing or just lust?"

She cringed and pretended to vomit in her mouth. "No… just no."

"Am I dead? Because—"

Raising her hand in the air, she interrupted him. "Dear God, just stop. Please, forget everything those two imbeciles across the street have told you. Women do not want to be spoken to like that."

"You don't?"

"No, of course, we don't! How did you speak to Bella earlier today?"

"Wait, how do you know about her?"

Alice gestured to her head with her finger. "I just do; I've told you this already. Now, hurry up, my break is almost over."

"I don't know - I just talked to her like I would to Jasper or Emmett. Like I'm talking to you right now."

"Bingo."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, didn't she give you her number?"

"Yeah…"

"It must have worked then, right?"

His eyes widened, and a smile covered his face. "Yeah, it did."

"Men are so ridiculous sometimes." Alice stood and sighed. "Now quit being a jackass and call her."

She started toward the counter and paused. Turning back to Edward, she added, "Oh, and tell Jasper to get over here pronto. He's kept me waiting long enough."

Not sure what she meant, he shrugged and said, "Um. Okay."

 **-CB-**

When he got home that evening, Edward took Alice's advice and called Bella. After pulling out her business card and his cell, he dialed her number.

The phone rang three times before he heard a soft "hello" on the other end.

"Bella?"

"Yes, who is this?"

"Um, hi this is Edward Cullen."

"Oh, hi, Edward. I didn't expect to hear from you so quickly."

He groaned internally before tugging on his hair. "I'm sorry, I can call back later... you know after I wait a few days…"

"No!" She interjected. "I didn't mean it like that. God, I meant I'm just surprised... in a good way."

He grinned. "You are?"

"Well, yeah." She rubbed her hand along the side of her pant leg. "I wouldn't have given you my number if I didn't want you to call."

"Well, I was phoning to see if you wanted to meet after work tomorrow for a drink?"

"Sure! I would love that, Edward."

"Great, how about at Demetri's Diner at six?"

"Perfect. See you then."

Edward had just hung up from speaking with Bella when a knock sounded at his door. Puzzled by who it could be, he looked through the peephole and discovered Emmett standing on the other side.

After opening the door, he greeted him. "Hey. What are you doing here?"

"I thought I would bring you some of my porn collection."

Edward lifted the lid off the box and pulled a movie out. _"Buffy the Vampire Layer?"_

Emmett's eyes glazed over. "Oh, man. That's a good one. The tits on Willow." He released a groan.

"But why did you think I would want these?" Edward's eyebrows scrunched together in confusion.

"To help you defrost your fridge."

"What?"

"Hand to gland combat. Box with Richard. Jack the beanstalk…"

When Edward still gave him a blank expression, Emmett said, "Masturbate. To help you masturbate."

"I don't really do that…" He pinched his nose.

"What do you mean you don't do that? Eduardo, you got to let it out of the box every once in a while so you can play with it. If you don't, when you actually do it, you're going to be nothing but a one-pump chump."

Emmett walked to the door and opened it. "Trust me. Watch a movie and tickle the bald guy. See you tomorrow at work."

Once he left, Edward stood and stared at the box. Maybe Emmett was right. It couldn't hurt to try. And he hadn't seen a good film in quite some time.

Without reading the titles, he reached inside, grabbed one, and placed it inside his DVD player.

Ten minutes later, he got into his bed and turned off the lights. Pointing the remote toward the television he pushed play.

Three minutes into the film Edward pushed the off button with a shudder. Wide-eyed and a bit nauseous, he removed the disk and placed it back into its case. This time, however, he read the title. _The Curious Taste of Benjamin's Butthole._

Cringing, he taped up the box of porn and set it next to the front door. He would be returning it first thing the next morning to Emmett.

He decided he had lived without viewing porn for one hundred and seven years, and he could live for an eternity without watching it again.

 **-CB-**

Promptly after work the following day, Edward headed straight to Demetri's to meet Bella. Luckily, Alice was nowhere to be seen. Even though she had been nice to him, he didn't really want to deal with the strange _she_ pire during his date with Bella.

"Have a seat in any empty booth," a waitress called from across the room.

As soon as Edward sat down, Bella entered the restaurant. After spotting him, she headed his way.

He stood as he saw her approach and offered his hand. She, however, went in for a small hug.

He remained stiff in her arms for a moment before returning her embrace and giving her a couple gentle pats on the back. When they broke apart, he wore a content expression.

"That was nice. I mean, hi."

She laughed and sat. "Hi, Edward. I agree. It was nice."

He returned her laugh and sat across from her. They placed their orders and continued their conversation.

"Did you have a good day at work?"

"Yes, it wasn't terribly exciting. I spent most of it doing inventory." She paused before adding, "Oh! I did run a book over to the castle."

"Really?"

"Yes, they make requests from time to time."

Intrigued, he leaned forward. "What type of books?"

"Mostly craft books. Today it was a book about making things out of used pantyhose. I guess Caius is a huge crafter. I heard he has his own Etsy store and everything."

"Huh."

She shrugged her shoulders. "I know. I was surprised when I found out as well. When I told Renee about it, she said it was pretty common knowledge. She even owns a macrame plant hanger he made in the 70s."

"Who's Renee?"

"Oh! I'm sorry. I live with Renee and her mate, Charlie. Charlie was the one who turned me into a vampire."

" _He turned you,_ " Edward repeated incredulously. "Why would he do that?"

"Charlie was the town sheriff where I lived as a human. One weekend, I was driving home from a conference, and I got a flat tire. While I was changing it, a car hit me and left me dying on the side of the road."

Edward's body tensed.

"Charlie found me, but I was too close to death to save."

"So he changed you instead?"

"Yeah. I guess he always had a soft spot in his heart for me. He said I reminded him of his kid sister."

"What happened next?"

"Since we couldn't return to Forks, we moved to Alaska. We live in a small town near Fairbanks with three other vampires."

"How long have you been a vampire?"

"Only two years. I decided it would be best to get my service out of the way so I could get my life started back home. I was really nervous about coming here, but everything has worked out well so far."

"Do you like being a librarian?"

She giggled. "I should think so, it's what I did when I was a human. I was the librarian at Forks High School for fifteen years."

"I guess it's kind of perfect for you then." He jiggled his foot. "Two years isn't very long. What about your family? Did you leave anyone behind?"

She shook her head. "My parents passed away when I was a teenager. I did have four cats, but Renee made sure they had homes before joining us in Alaska."

"No husband? No boyfriend?" He fidgeted with a napkin on the table.

She reached over and clasped his hand. "No husband. No boyfriend."

His muscles relaxed, and he gave her a shy smile.

"So, what's your story, Edward?"

"I was turned in 1918 during the Spanish Flu outbreak. A young physician turned me in hopes that I would become his companion. I traveled with him for two years before coming to Volterra."

"But I don't understand... what are you still doing here?"

"I didn't really see any reason to leave. My maker met his mate soon after I left, so I figured they wouldn't want me around. Anyhow, my job's not too bad, and I have a nice apartment..." He pushed his glasses up his nose.

"Did you leave behind a wife or girlfriend in 1918?"

Edward chuckled. If she only knew... "No wife. No girlfriend. I was a confirmed bachelor back in my day. I guess I still am."

Bella was surprised to hear that he wasn't married. She knew marriage was the norm during that era. She couldn't fathom how someone as attractive as Edward had remained single.

"Wow."

"What?" he asked.

"I'm just really shocked that's all."

"Why?"

She bit her lip. "Because you're so handsome. I mean, how old were you when you were turned?"

"Forty."

"I can't believe someone didn't snag you. Those ladies back in the early 1900s must not have known a good thing when they saw one."

Edward beamed. "Can I ask your age?"

"I was thirty-eight when I was turned."

"Well, the same can be said of the men of Forks. They must have been complete idiots. Blind idiots."

Bella beamed.

Later that evening, Edward walked Bella home. When they arrived at her condo, he regarded the newer low-rise buildings which were situated on the edge of downtown. "This is a great location."

"Yeah, it's nice being able to walk to work." She unlocked her door. "Would you like to come in for a bit?"

Edward hesitated only for a moment before answering, "Sure."

"Have a seat. I'm going to change." She gestured toward a plush sofa before exiting the room.

Edward sat and looked around at the decor. The small living room had hardwood floors and floral wallpaper. A shelf held books and a small collection of cat figurines.

Bella returned a few minutes later carrying two goblets of O negative. "Is this okay? It's all I have in my fridge."

"Yes, I'm not partial. Thanks." He accepted the glass from her and took a sip of the beverage. "Your place is really nice."

"Thanks. It's not much, but it's mine."

"So, how do you spend your free time? I assume you read," he said nodding toward the bookcase.

"Yes, reading is my guilty pleasure. I chat with my coven back home on my computer, and I also write short stories. What about you?"

"I read as well, and I collect minerals. I'm usually scouring the internet for new specimens."

"Do you go out searching for yourself?"

"I have in the past but not so much anymore."

She placed her glass on the coffee table before taking his and doing the same. Scooting closer to him, she asked, "Is this okay?"

Fiddling with his watch nervously, he nodded.

Leaning over, she began to lick his neck. As she continued to swirl her tongue around his throat and then up his jaw, she shoved her hands beneath his shirt and entangled her fingers in the mat of his chest hair.

After leaving a wet trail of venom dripping down his left cheek, she suddenly pounced and straddled his lap.

"Mm, Edward," she moaned, pushing her core onto his growing erection. "You have permission to enter me whenever you want."

"W-What?" Edward snapped out of his lust-filled stupor. When Bella began lapping at his eyelids with the tip of her tongue, he gently pushed her away. "What did you say?"

Her brow furrowed. "When?"

"Just now. About entering you?"

Grimacing, she mumbled, "You have permission to enter me whenever you want." Slowly, she climbed off of him. "That was wrong, wasn't it?" She paused and bit her lip. "Wait. I know ... are those fangs, or are you happy to see me?"

He tilted his head in bewilderment.

She rubbed her forehead, closed her eyes, and muttered, "Come on, Bella, think." A few moments later, she turned back toward Edward and asked in a weakened voice, "Is there room for two in your coffin?" When he didn't respond, she added, "I wouldn't mind being impaled by your stake?"

A sense of déjà vu washed over Edward, and he began to chuckle.

Mortified by her failed attempt at seduction, Bella stood from the sofa and began pacing the room. "You can just go ahead and leave ... I'm obviously a loser. I don't know what in the hell I'm doing! I've never kissed anyone before! Renee told me what to say, and I guess I got it all wrong!"

Edward rushed to her side. "Oh, Bella. I'm sorry. I wasn't laughing at you. I was laughing because Jasper and Emmett taught me some similar lines. I just panicked when you said you wanted me to…" He gulped. "Enter you because I've never had sex before."

"You haven't?"

"No, I've never kissed anyone before either, Bella."

"Well, I don't think I was doing that right either," she muttered.

"We could learn together if you would like."

"Really?"

"Really. I don't know if you noticed, but whatever you were doing earlier I really liked it. And even more importantly, I really like you."

"You do?"

"I do."

"So, how about a kiss tonight, and we can work up to the rest?"

"That sounds like a great plan to me. We do have quite a bit of time on our hands, so there really isn't any need to rush."

"No need to rush at all." He inched closer to her. Leaning in, his mouth met hers and for the next five minutes, they proceeded to give each other a tongue bath.

When they finally pulled apart, they both sighed in pure bliss. "Edward, I can't tell you how many times I've read Shakespeare's love sonnets, but now they have true meaning. That was beyond incredible."

Too overcome by the feelings stirring in both his heart and pants, he simply nodded in agreement.

Over the next few months their relationship continued to flourish and on their three-month anniversary as a couple, Bella and Edward lost their virginity to each other. And just like their first kiss, it was extraordinarily messy and sticky.

But for them, it was magical.

Because that's the way love is when you find your mate.

Just as Jasper discovered one Thursday afternoon two years later when he finally entered Demetri's Diner. Even though Alice dumped a pot of scalding hot coffee over his head and punched him in the nose for making her wait so long, he couldn't recall a more perfect moment in his entire life.

Well, until later that evening, that is.

 **-The End-**


End file.
